September 16, 2010
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Need To Achieve Indifference
There was a girl that I was off and on dating (the one from the miserable week) and she has just gotten with a different guy, so that has ended. I overcompensated and went too slowly (or something like that).
Now I just need to relax, sit back. Reorient myself. She had simply begun ignoring me and when I confronted her today about it over messenger no less she was unapologetic and merely matter of fact. Unapologetic about the way she simply stopped answering calls.
There is anger and a sense of inadequacy -- it is the inadequacy that kills. Normally I would translate the inadequacy into sadness but I have decided to try to transform it into coldness; cool, distancing coldness that I can put into my heart and hopefully quench the fire that exists there.
Contact with others can produce pain because we attach some sort of hope and dream; a hope and a dream that they did not necessarily ask for us to attach. Perhaps that is ultimately impolite of us but it is so human.
Regardless, we have to channel this differently. I have been burning myself. I've had too much passion and not enough rational thought or patience, not enough discipline. This is something perhaps borne of the days of money when nothing could frustrate me because I had my outlets, and in my poverty I have become a shorter, meaner person.
Regardless, that's that.
It seems I only write here when it concerns pain. That is bad form. It gives the wrong impression.
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