There comes a time in any meaningful life where man is overcome by a general sense of despair -- it is merely the existential situation that modernized living has brought us. Life is no longer a struggle but to paraphrase Fenriz (of Darkthrone), it comes from the general exhaustion of easy living coupled with a sense of alienation from the world as it stands. Of course, previous eras have also had it, but I imagine it was quite easier to ignore the minor problems when there were greater ones concerning merely staying alive and avoiding the calamities of pestilence, famine and violence.

Inner, existential despair is chiefly the product of dealing with the isolation & meaninglessness of continued human existence without great worry about threats to life. Existential despair is often times the mere reward we receive when we've conquered the challenges to our continued physical existence. It is ironic that the prize for overcoming natural selection is the sharp pain that this entire endeavor was meaningless -- and it is in this modern era that we've never even gotten to receive the triumphant feeling of conquering the natural menaces to life.

Since around the Spring of 2007 I have felt this existential despair. The catalyst was losing a very meaningful lover -- a lover that ascribed meaning to my life and gave a future that was transcendental; a future that put hope into the concept of family. I received the feeling that any nature born animal species of significant consciousness feels: the idea of procreation and the continuation of my individual self through family mixed with the joy of sexual fulfillment.

The repercussions have been severe and chilling. They awoke a feeling of darkness that enfolds my emotions and inspires brooding. In sobriety, it produces either an inadequate hope of one day returning to the romantic cocoon that once was or it produces a general sense of loathing aimed at an imperfect society. In drunkenness, it produces self-hatred, shame, and feelings of inadequacy.

Since that time I have attempted to overcome this existential anxiety through countless ways, ranging from the positive of merely hoping for the better and 'trying new things,' to the negative which encompasses such actions that are too foul, pathetic or foolish to attach my name to.

There are others who escape this pain through achieving an inhuman state of existence. These folks are Holy People, whether they be Buddhist, Hindu or Christian, who've renounced the very fundamentals of the world. They are philosophers like Zhu Don Yi who stared at a flower for days on end until they collapsed of physical exhaustion and subsequently dedicated themselves to trying to explain the entirety of the universe. Amongst them I assume there are many others who planted themselves firmly in other disciplines and practices that brought their consciousness to a different place and removed it from the imperfect human reality.

It seems the answer to problems is either fulfilling the desired end or removing the desire from having a prominent place in one's existence.

Over the last years, I have been incapable of accomplishing either one of these. I guess you could call this a personal tragedy.

For my next trick, I will see if I can overcome existential despair through... I am not sure.

But I'll get back to you on that.